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The Funniest Tweets From Parents This Week (May 16-22)

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

Kids may say the darndest things, but parentstweet about them in the funniest ways. So each week we round up the most hilarious quips via Tweeter from moms and dads to spread the joy.

Scroll down to read the latest batch and follow @HuffPostParents on Twitter for more!

Parents, to their kids: Hey, you guys have to be nicer to each other.

Parents, to their own siblings: Hey, idiots.

— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) May 16, 2020

It’s the last week of school and I’m proud to say my husband and I have a B- in 3rd grade math

— NoTasha (@looksliketuttut) May 18, 2020

My child: I want a snack.
Me: Okay, just give me one minute and I will get it for you.
What my child heard: You will never eat another snack again. Commence with the screaming.

— Jordyn Armour (@survivingmommy_) May 17, 2020

Charlie Brown’s teacher,
but it’s my kid explaining Minecraft to me.

— Marlantined (@Marlebean) May 19, 2020

My middle schooler just remembered there is a lunch in her locker.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 18, 2020

[buying shoes for our kids]

her: which do you like better

me: idk probably our daughter

— Christopher Ashman (@CAshmanActor) May 20, 2020

I really miss my son texting me from school to let me know he didn’t like what I put in his lunch.

— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) May 21, 2020

Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 21, 2020

My toddler demanded shorts and now he’s crying that they are broken because they don’t cover his legs

— Not Another Pinterest Mom (@snarkymomtobe) May 17, 2020

Have kids so that you can see your dogs running around your house wearing your only clean bras.

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) May 18, 2020

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 21, 2020

My 4yo used the phrase “a long time ago today” to describe the morning and it’s probably the most accurate description I’ve ever heard.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) May 17, 2020

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

— SpacedMom (@copymama) May 21, 2020

I’m urgently looking for a parenting book that has a chapter on how to peel an orange correctly for a 3 year old. It’s life or death.

— ThreeTimeDaddy (@threetimedaddy) May 21, 2020

Me: *Sitting quietly at dinner table as one kid screams/has tantrum while other kid eats as slowly as effing possible because she’s about that life.

Apple Watch: ⛑“Your heart rate rose above 120 BPM while you seemed to be inactive for 10 minutes.”⛑

I’m not gonna make it.

— The Brooklyn Archer, Allegedly (@elonjames) May 17, 2020

My toddler‘s playing this game in the bath where he flings his washcloth around it’s called “fuck you dad”

— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 19, 2020

No one mentioned parenthood would include so many skipped meals but zero weight loss.

— Possum Kingdom (@aissalanis) May 20, 2020

Show me a mom who says she’s never thrown a towel over pee on the bed in the middle of the night and I’ll show you a damn liar.

— MomTransparenting (@momtransparent1) May 19, 2020

parenting makes you do weird things like hate the daylight for waking your kids and preventing them from going to bed

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 21, 2020

I only let my kids cheat at board games if it ends the game faster.

— Laura Marie (@lmegordon) May 21, 2020

I’ve decided to forgive everyone who calls their dog their “child” in order to make mental space to hate on people who call themselves “plant parents”

— The Dad (@thedad) May 18, 2020

I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.

Follow me for more parenting hacks.

— Not the Nanny (@not_thenanny) May 20, 2020

8-year-old: Hey Google, what day is it?

Me: It’s sad that you have to ask.

8: Then you tell me.

Me: Let’s see what Google says.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 21, 2020

🎵 I believe the children are our future

Me: oh yes

🎵 Teach them well

Me: oh no

— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) May 19, 2020

“That’s it! I’m done!” I yell at my family as I continue to do absolutely everything for them, every day for the next 70 years.

— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) May 20, 2020

Also on HuffPost

Ben Affleck’s Daily Quarantine Strolls With Ana De Armas Now Include His Kids

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

The coronavirus pandemic has laid waste to most of our regular routines, but it’s given Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas a new one.

Nothing has been more consistent during lockdown than their almost daily strolls, which have of course been photographed by the paparazzi … at a safe distance, we hope. 

But the new couple brought along some notable additions for their most recent walk: Affleck’s three children from his marriage to Jennifer Garner, Violet, Seraphina and Samuel. 

The group was spotted during an outing in Pacific Palisades over the weekend in photos obtained by TMZ. They brought along the family’s dogs, including Garner’s beloved golden retriever, Birdie, who makes frequent appearances on her Instagram, and de Armas’ pooch, Elvis. (Garner did not join them.)

Affleck and de Armas started dating in early March.

The whole gang took safety measures by wearing protective face masks as they walked by paparazzi before entering Affleck’s home. 

“They are very happy together,” an unnamed source told People about Affleck and de Armas, adding that the actor “continues to work on co-parenting” with his ex-wife, from whom he separated in 2015 after a decade of marriage. 

“They seem to have a great time together. They order delivery food and groceries and only leave the house for walks around the neighborhood with their dogs,” another source previously revealed to People. “Ben looks incredibly happy. They are flirty and goofy. Ana always has a huge smile around him.”

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A post shared by A N A D E A R M A S (@ana_d_armas) on Apr 30, 2020 at 3:36pm PDT

Introducing a significant other to your children is a major step for any couple, but Affleck and de Armas have been knocking down relationship milestones for months now. 

After meeting on the set of their upcoming thriller “Deep Water,” the two vacationed abroad together in de Armas’ home country of Cuba, followed by a quick stop in Costa Rica earlier this year. 

Related…

Then they went Instagram official, bought a pair of matching heart necklaces and even started sharing each other’s clothing. 

As for Garner, she’s reportedly still going strong with a new beau of her own, but the two have kept their relationship more private. 

Trump Spreads Baseless Conspiracy Theory Accusing MSNBC Host Of Murder

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

President Donald Trump over the weekend used his massive platform on Twitter to again spread the outrageous and unsupported insinuation that Joe Scarborough — one of his most vocal critics on TV —murdered someone.Trump fired off multip…

Magnitude 5.9 earthquake strikes near Wellington

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

The earthquake interrupted Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern mid-interview, which was caught on camera.

Europeans hit the beach amid confusing coronavirus travel rules

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

Europeans have soaked up the sun on the first holiday weekend since coronavirus restrictions were eased.

Students back in classes in NSW and Queensland

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

Students in NSW and Queensland are returning to school this morning, with concerns coronavirus travel restrictions will place a huge strain on public transport and see roads clogged.

Greens push to fix JobKeeper and ensure arts and entertainment workers not left in the cold

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

The Greens are calling on Treasurer Frydenberg to stop being Team ‘Some’ Australians, and immediately expand the JobKeeper program to businesses and workers in the arts and entertainment industry who have been left out. “For months now the Government has refused to include the hundred of thousands of workers who have lost their jobs in … Continue reading “Greens push to fix JobKeeper and ensure arts and entertainment workers not left in the cold”

Strong take up of City’s COVID-19 support

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

Almost $1 million in household and commercial rate payments have been deferred and substantial rent relief has been extended to small businesses and community organisations under City of Newcastle’s COVID-19 support package. The $965,000 in rate deferrals have been made under 410 separate payment plans set up by both residents and businesses in consultation with … Continue reading “Strong take up of City’s COVID-19 support”

BEAUTY AND NAIL SERVICES CAN RECOMMENCE JUNE 1

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

Beauty and nail salon operators can begin treatments from June 1 under strict COVID-safe guidelines. Premier Gladys Berejiklian said this is another important step in easing restrictions while maintaining public safety. “Whilst this is positive news, the key is introducing practices to protect the safety of both customers and beauticians,” Ms Berejiklian. “It is vital … Continue reading “BEAUTY AND NAIL SERVICES CAN RECOMMENCE JUNE 1”

EXTRA TRANSPORT STAFF DEPLOYED FOR RETURN TO SCHOOL

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

Hundreds of additional transport staff are being deployed across the network to assist customers as more people return to work and students are back in the classroom full time. Minister for Transport Andrew Constance said hundreds of Transport Officers, Security Officers and Marshalling Officers will be out from tomorrow to help customers physical distance and … Continue reading “EXTRA TRANSPORT STAFF DEPLOYED FOR RETURN TO SCHOOL”

$50 MILLION PACKAGE FOR NSW ARTS AND CULTURE

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

The NSW Government has announced a $50 million Rescue and Restart package for NSW arts and cultural organisations to ensure the sector continues to make an important contribution to the NSW economy during and after the COVID-19 pandemic. Premier Gladys Berejiklian today said this funding was the largest dedicated arts and cultural support package of … Continue reading “$50 MILLION PACKAGE FOR NSW ARTS AND CULTURE”

TAKE A WALK WITH THE ANIMALS AS TARONGA ZOO SET TO REOPEN TO THE PUBLIC

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

Animal lovers will soon be able to visit iconic Taronga Zoo again with the NSW Government announcing plans to reopen to the public from Monday, 1 June. Environment Minister Matt Kean said families, animal lovers and dedicated zoo staff would be thrilled by the news, but also urged visitors to use common-sense to ensure community … Continue reading “TAKE A WALK WITH THE ANIMALS AS TARONGA ZOO SET TO REOPEN TO THE PUBLIC”

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