How much do you remember from your middle and high school History classes? Possibly more important: How much of what you remember was even correct? While it seems true that we’re bound to repeat history if we don’t learn it, it’s also hard to imagine being able to contain millions of years of history in our already pretty darn full mom brains. One thing that can sometimes help you learn and remember information, though, is joking about it. Sometimes jokes are just silliness. Sometimes, though, jokes manage to make a real event laughable. And being able to laugh about it certainly makes it memorable.
But, listen: None of these jokes are going to help your kid pass their AP American History class. Still, they’re probably good for a bit of a snicker and maybe even an eye roll. So, when you’re packing your kiddo’s lunch, write out one of these jokes and stick it in their lunch box. Or, when you’re helping them prepare for their first day of school, tell them a few of these school-centric jokes to take the edge off.
Or, hey, maybe your kids have had enough of your mom jokes for now. Feel free to send these to your history buff best friend or that co-worker with the non-ironic Leaning Tower of Pisa pencil holder.
Best History Jokes
Ancient Egypt Jokes
- What’s an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
- How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
- Why was the pharaoh boastful?
Because he sphinx he’s the best!
- Why did the mummy go for a relaxing spa and massage?
He was all wound up.
- Which pharaoh played the trumpet?
- What did the pharaoh say when he saw the pyramid?
- What’s a mummy’s favorite type of music?
- How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
- Why did the Vikings sail to England in longboats?
It was too far to swim!
- How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
- Where do young Vikings hang out?
In the Norsery.
- My girlfriend said if I don’t stop my obsession with Viking culture, she’ll fight me to the death.
“Jokes on you,” I said. “If I die in battle, I’ll go straight to Valhalla.”
- Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
- How did Vikings send secret messages?
By Norse code.
- What do you call a vegan Viking?
- The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Ancient Greek & Roman Jokes
- What was the Romans’ greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
- How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
- What does it take to be good at making Greek pottery?
You have to urn it.
- Where would you find Hadrian’s Wall?
At the bottom of his garden!
- What do you call a musician who just saw Medusa?
- Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
- What was the most popular kids’ movie in Ancient Greece?
- Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
- Why didn’t the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
- My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
- A Roman walks into a cafe and makes an “X” with his fingers.
He says, “Ten teas, please!”
- What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
“Toga-ther, we can rule the world!”
Jolly Olde England Jokes
- Why was Elizabethan England so wet?
Because the Queen reigned for 45 years!
- What did Medieval postmen wear?
- Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
- Where did Ivan the Terrible get his coffee from?
- Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
- Who built King Arthur’s round table?
- What do William the Conqueror and Kermit the Frog have in common?
They both have the same middle name.
- When were Medieval armies too tired to fight?
When they had a lot of sleepless nights!
- Why was the king only a foot tall?
Because he was a ruler.
- What do you call a Medieval knight who’s always sure of himself?
- Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
- What was written on a knight’s headstone?
Rust in peace.
- Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!
- What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
- What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
“Over my dead body!”
- Which English royal family was the smartest?
- What was Camelot famous for?
It’s knight life.
American History Jokes
- What kind of tea did the American colonists want at the Boston Tea Party?
- Civil War Jokes?
General Lee doesn’t find them funny.
- Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
They didn’t want to wait 40 years for a train.
- Did you hear the joke about the Liberty Bell?
It cracked me up.
- What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can’t sit down!
- If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
- What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
- What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
- Abraham Lincoln had a very difficult and challenging childhood. Did you know that every day, he had to walk eight whole miles to school?
He should’ve got up earlier and caught the school bus like everyone else.
- Who was the biggest prankster in George Washington’s army?
- Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
- Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
- What was the most popular dance move in the colonies in 1776?
- Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
- Two wrongs don’t make a right, but what do two Wrights make?
Even More History Jokes
- Why did Columbus cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
- In which battle did the soldiers form a queue outside a metal box?
The battle of Portaloo.
- How does Moses make his tea?
- Why did Captain Cook sail to Australia?
It was too far to swim.
- What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
- What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
- Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
- Russian history in five words: “And then things got worse.”
- Why did the Archaeopteryx always catch the worm?
Because it was an early bird!
- Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
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