If I were an x-ray technician, after I took the first x-ray I’d say: “ok now let’s do a goofy one.” I think people would laugh/have a good time
— broti gupta (@BrotiGupta) June 29, 2020
i wanna listen to an audiobook where the actor is also reading it for the first time so you can hear them gasp when a plot twist happens
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 30, 2020
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) July 2, 2020
I think I speak for many cis women when I say that our actual greatest locker-room fear is getting stuck in our sweaty sports bra with no one around to help free us
— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) June 30, 2020
I do NOT, and I cannot stress this enough, have the ability to stress things enough!
— amber ruffin (@ambermruffin) June 29, 2020
ms. frizzle be like “I know a spot” and then takes you inside jake’s esophagus
— Audrey Lipsmire (@AudreysParty) June 30, 2020
So who else is still smiling at people, dogs and babies from behind a mask like a fool?
— Tressie McMillan Cottom (@tressiemcphd) July 1, 2020
I got me some lights to improve the quality of my zoom. Once I learn how to comb my hair, apply make up, sit up straight and look properly into the camera, its over for you hoes!
— roxane gay (@rgay) July 1, 2020
I miss my friends but also absolutely do not remember who they are or what they look like
— Allison O’Conor (@allisonoconor) July 1, 2020
Got a call from a comedy club where I apparently left my joke book pre-pandemic. To confirm it was mine the woman on the phone read back some of the jokes. It was mortifying because I definitely wrote them
— Atsuko Okatsuka (@AtsukoComedy) June 28, 2020
I’m in the mood to nonchalantly slice and eat an apple off the end of a dagger like a lady pirate who just won the ship in a drinking contest.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) July 1, 2020
me? in a open relationship? i’d rather boil one grain of rice at a time
— . (@tabithalovex) July 1, 2020
When I have been at a party for 20-30 minutes pic.twitter.com/oNhRtfxwLA
— Sabina (@sabinameschke) July 1, 2020
i’m just a girl
standing in front of her fridge
asking the food to cook itself for once
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) June 30, 2020
goodreads should have an option between “Currently Reading” and “Read” for when you abandon a book, called “I Tried. Fuck, Man, I Really Tried.”
— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) July 1, 2020
My mother dug a well in a third world country with her bare hands so that her family could have a place to bathe and wash clothes
…and I am too lazy to delete apps off my phone because then I would have to rearrange them
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) June 30, 2020
It should be legal to spray water on the faces of people not wearing masks like how you train dogs to get off your furniture.
— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously) July 1, 2020
my sister was like “I get traumatized by looking at you every day because you’re so ugly and I look exactly you and I get reminded of how ugly I am” and my mom, without missing a beat, goes “imagine how I feel looking at you two everyday”
— Abby Govindan (@abbygov) July 1, 2020
My sexual fantasy is you give me a fountain Diet Coke (large) and Venmo me $100,000 and then leave
— Sophie (@jil_slander) July 2, 2020
You can’t expect to be successful if you spend all day scrolling Twitter on your phone. At some point you need to get your shit together and scroll Twitter on your laptop
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 30, 2020
Source: Huffington Post Australia Athena2 https://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/funniest-tweets-from-women-this-week_au_5f03f6ebc5b6db5967460e4a