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Gitt of the Grab

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There in the country were some shepherds, simple civil shepherds abiding their time and a half in the fields by night as lamb prices were now at a premium. And as they sat there musing quietly about industrial and environmental reforms and unionism, a brilliant light shone around them in their darkness and they were […]

There in the country were some shepherds, simple civil shepherds abiding their time and a half in the fields by night as lamb prices were now at a premium.

And as they sat there musing quietly about industrial and environmental reforms and unionism, a brilliant light shone around them in their darkness and they were sore afraid. And the Angel of the Lord came upon them and said “Fear not, for behold I bring you tidings of great joy.”

And as it was told to them, they listened and marvelled at the excellent working conditions and above award wages of sin, with maternity, paternity and eternity leave thrown in. “It’s a certainty,” the angel said. “See Daniel at the inquiries den.”

So the shepherds voted unanimously to go unto Bethlehem and see that what the Angel of the Lord had made known to them, come to pass and as the shepherds fled deep into the night, the Angel’s word floated behind them. “Conditions apply!”‘

Once there was a simple country girl who one day found the Angel of the Lord hovering over her and Mary listened to the Angel and wondered. Wondered if she had heard right. “I get no say in the matter and I have to call him what and have him where?”

The Angel of the Lord impatiently explained it all to her again.

“Comply with all the full term conditions that have been offered, sign on the dotted line and we’ll take care of the rest with all the advantages of Cain, willing and Abel home delivery service and you will still be eligible for the bouncing baby bonus.”

“You are kidding, right?” the Innkeeper said. I’ve been booked out for months, there’s a year long waiting list!”

“But I’m the Holy Mother-to-be of God! I’m not going on a waiting list. Surely there is room for me!” Mary wailed.

”We have had a time and half just getting here,” Joseph added.

“It would not have been half so bad if you had stoppeth and asketh directions. We could have gone Virginal Airlines but oh no, you had mates rates on a wonky donkey!”

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“What manner of place this be? Three stars the holiday guide said, what a joke!”

Mary sat on her ass and waited for Joseph to secure a deal and shortly he was back.

“I got non smoking and organic cows and he threw in a bucket for free”

“Oh Joseph, have you not heard, ask and ye shall receive?”

“Yes and have you not heard that this is the silly seasoneth”

When Herod heard the rumour of great savings, he was agog and enquired directly from this three wise yes men.

“Why do they no come to my Babel Towers where I offer so much, camel crèche and ark parking. I have put new leper bays and provide ass holding.

What more can the people want? Are they not free to peruse at leisure with no staff to hassle them with their impulse buys and I give credit when credit is due even if it is a sacrifice to me with my no deposit money back policy if they spend, spend, spend!”

“It is called competition and it is good that this has come to pass”

“Says who?”

“Economists.”

”May their eftpos card curl! Well, what are you waiting for? Hurry go and find the bargains so that I too may save. Scour the land of plenty and the one with the milk and honey and oil a few palms if need be.”

And this was done and the shareholders were very pleased.

The three wise yes men took the scenic route but they were not pleased.

“Aren’t we there yet? It will be closed by the time we get there.”

”We got an extra night going via the Red Sea and if we stay on a Saturday we will be able to check out the Gaza strip joints along the way and do not forget thy gold visa card or immigration is gonna be hell!” Melchior explained.

So the wise yes men shutuppeth.

“What gifts you bring to this mighty prince?”

”Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh”

”Myrrh, what is this Myrrh?

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”I have no idea but I got three for the price of one. Gold is now trading at three hundred shekels a cubit and as the use by date was approaching fast, the frankincense was thirty percent off.”

“You got it at Balthazar Bazaar Bargains I ken? Truly you are a wise man. Remember it is not the thought that counts, it’s the flybuys!”

And they hastened greatly for it was near closing time and woe betide those who miss the opening hours for they shall forsake met and drink until they choose to reopen. Then the doors parted and great rejoicing was heard all over the land. Hark hear the herald angels sing and listen to those cash registers ring but alas no relief staff were in sight.

And the Angel of the Lord said unto them, ”So to you, our valued customers, on this day you have been given a great gift, use it wisely and kindly. Listen, the cattle are lowing and so are our prices! Bring your sacks and stockings and your old bags! Make a list and check it twice and do not be the one to miss out on bargain begetting time!”

And they gazed at wonder and amazement at what they saw before them, the baby lying in the specials bin, well wrapped to keep him nice and fresh and seal in his goodness.

They knelt and adored him with the light shining out onto thy ass and oxen and asketh each other, who do he looketh like the most?

Then the shepherds turned and hurried back to their flocks as stock had a habit of running low at this time of year, glorifying and thanking him for all they had seen and saved and to be first in line for when the market reopened. And a multitude of heavenly hosts gathered and chorused to all who would listen.

“Go forth and multiply into a global conglomeration and remember the brand name of God, ye shall shun all other brands, he takes only the best, rejecting all the rest and his religion shall be known as generic. So the three wise yes men hurried back to their kingdoms and issued new decrees to all departments.

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“Where once man rested on the seventh day, he will no more! From this day forward it shall be known as seven day trading. And a great spirit filled the land and it will forever be known as consumption and they new slogan shall be, ‘We never close! So come all available staff, sullen and resentful, to take your holy orders and serve them faithfully, for we know you so love your fellow man, you live only to serve. Heaven be praised for surely this is specials time!”

“What miracle is this; I came upon a checkout clear,” said |Mary, admiring the fatted calf and much tempted by a tender rump but she turned her face away and brought forth wholemeal loaves and fishes and capers and sun dried tomatoes and porcini mushrooms but she digresseth.

“You know what this all means,” she said to Joseph. “Rellies descending on us like locusts, eating us out of house and home and there is sure to a vegan to cater for and I doubt even Thomas will bring even a fruit platter. If only I could turn water into wine. I swear this is the last supper I have in this hovel. Just because we missed the property boom doesn’t mean we are stuck here for ever and ever. Amen to that!”

“No fear Mary. I hear it will be twenty percent off everything after Christmas!”

”If you think that applies to real estate, you really are a moron. Honestly, as God is my witness, if I had known what I was getting myself into, it would be a very different version of events I can tell you.”

For the Lord helps those who help themselves.

So self help me, God!


Hazel Girolamo lives in Ulverstone with her family. and has lately become the personal servant to a German Wirehaired Pointer who has infiltrated every aspect of life. Hazel prefers to look and write about the lighter side of life.

Source: Tasmanian Times https://www.tasmaniantimes.com/2020/12/gitt-of-the-grab/#utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=gitt-of-the-grab

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