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25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (May 5 – May 18)

Published: (Updated: ) in Australian News by .

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

And somehow the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.

Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

Times I’ve seen my husband cry:

1. Our wedding
2. The birth of our children
3. The time I mowed the grass too short

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 15, 2020

1.

Marriage is having separate tubes of toothpaste because your spouse squeezes it wrong

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 5, 2020

2.

My wife managed to open a jar of pickles herself and I am now nonessential.

— Dude-Bro Dad (@thedadvocate01) May 6, 2020

3.

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!

Husband: It was actually a
piece of yarn.

Me: A huge, scary piece of yarn.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 13, 2020

4.

I thought clear communication was important in a marriage. Yet somehow, saying “Yep, you told me that 214 times already” makes ME the villain.

— Aunt Chelle 😷 ☕️ (@ravenswng_) May 14, 2020

5.

I just asked my husband what he’s up to today and he responded “none of your business” so quarantine is going well

— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) May 16, 2020

6.

My husband hasn’t turned his TV off in 2 months but he’s gonna gripe at me for not turning out a light when I leave the room, yeah okay.

— Darlin’ Darla (@Darlainky) May 15, 2020

7.

Wife [in fridge]: Do you know where the turkey bacon went?

Me: No idea. [garbage disposal noises]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) May 16, 2020

8.

Listen: I just found out that my husband eats spaghetti with a spoon so I can’t listen to your problems right now.

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 15, 2020

9.

Don’t worry I’m used to having a meat shortage, my wife said hilariously

— Swim Jeans👖 (@ShortSleeveSuit) May 7, 2020

10.

A big part of marriage is asking your wife “Is this recyclable?”

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 12, 2020

11.

[wife hands me present]
me: aww what’s this for
wife: just because
me: [opens present, swarm of murder hornets come out]
wife: BECAUSE U DIDN’T TAKE OUT THE TRASH

— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) May 12, 2020

12.

My husband just said, “Okey dokey, Artichokey,” and now I’m wondering if anyone can recommend a good divorce lawyer.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) May 9, 2020

13.

Im not saying your marriage isn’t strong, I’m just saying I brought home ice cream with raisins in it, and she let it slide.

— The Dad Briefs™ (@SladeWentworth) May 14, 2020

14.

When my husband does a chore without me asking. pic.twitter.com/PYBs28yOFB

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) May 15, 2020

15.

Even when food is heaven on Earth

my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.

— Teri Daniels (@bylinetd) May 7, 2020

16.

Wife: What’s burning?

Me: I’m making a grilled cheese

Wife: You know you’re supposed to use bread, right?

Me: I’m going low carb

Wife: That’s an entire block of cheddar

Me: PROTEINNNNNN

— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) May 6, 2020

17.

My husband has his headphones on so I like to start talking about every 10 minutes so that he has to take them off to hear me only to have me say, nevermind it wasn’t that important.

— The Evolving Arm (@leftarmisme) May 15, 2020

18.

Me: *grimaces*

Wife: What’s wrong?

Me: *remembering something embarrassing I did when I was 9* Stubbed my toe.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2020

19.

My wife: Have you eaten today?

Me: Yup!

My wife: That’s great! What did you have?

Me: An entire family of Sour Patch kids.

My wife: Nope.

— Lucy Bexley 🏳️‍🌈 (@bexley_lucy) May 14, 2020

20.

If I had to pick my favorite thing about marriage, it would be my wife scolding me for doing the same thing I watched her do only 5 minutes ago.

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) May 12, 2020

21.

My husband is cooking something with fish sauce and it was making me nauseous so he lit a candle and now it smells like fish sauce and a Hollister

— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) May 12, 2020

22.

There was one mozzarella stick left so I told my wife she could have it because I love her, and they tasted funky.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) May 16, 2020

23.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) May 11, 2020

24.

Dear husband: why do you rip off too much tp and hang the rest on top of the roll instead of just not taking too much to begin with? pic.twitter.com/aHA8jaTvLD

— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) May 15, 2020

25.

Also on HuffPost

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

And somehow the husbands and wives of Twitter continue to find humor in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.

Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the last two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

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Also on HuffPost

Source: Huffington Post Australia Athena2 https://www.huffingtonpost.com.au/entry/funniest-tweets-about-married-life_au_5ec3165cc5b6e7a7cb8fa04a

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