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25 Of The Funniest Tweets About Married Life (Oct. 13–26)

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between.

And somehow, the spouses of Twitter continue to find humour in the minutiae of married life and sum it up perfectly in 280 characters or fewer.

Every other Monday, we round up the funniest marriage tweets of the previous two weeks. Read on for 25 relatable new ones that will have you laughing in agreement.

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me and I’m not sure if I should go home or disappear and start a new life.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 21, 2020

1.

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 17, 2020

2.

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

— Lil BOO 🌈 (@LizerReal) October 16, 2020

3.

Wife: What the hell are you doing?
Me [ironing bathrobe]: getting my work clothes ready

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) October 20, 2020

4.

My husband thought I was flirting.

I don’t have the heart to tell him that I was just licking the salsa that had fallen between my fingers

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 20, 2020

5.

Him: Do you sleep with a fan?

Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but fan is pushing it

— The Dad (@thedad) October 17, 2020

6.

My husband commenting on my lockdown hair:

“I think you look like a 40 something year old Italian business man..”

I’m 32.

In other news, the funeral of my late husband will be held next week.

— Steve 🏳️‍🌈 (@papaneedscoffee) October 23, 2020

7.

My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 13, 2020

8.

My wife still brings up the one time in 2013 when I ate bad tacos and complained of stomach cramps while she was in labor

— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) October 22, 2020

9.

One of the biggest tests to my marriage was the time my husband walked in on me using a flip flop as a hammer.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 17, 2020

10.

“Don’t you have work to do?” – me to my husband any time I see him out of his home office during the day

— SpacedMom (@copymama) October 16, 2020

11.

Everyday is Prime Day when you’re married to my wife.

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 13, 2020

12.

One day you’re happily married and the next day you catch your husband making cauliflower mashed potatoes.

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 25, 2020

13.

I thought the wife asked if I wanted to do dishes but judging by her anger I now think she was actually telling me.

— Forward March (@RunOldMan) October 21, 2020

14.

My wife can eat one Reese’s peanut butter cup, rewrap the other one and save it for later, so I’m clearly married to a supernatural being.

— Dan Regan (@Social_Mime) October 16, 2020

15.

I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.

— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) October 14, 2020

16.

Is there an App to know when my wife is mad at me?

— Dad Bits (@DadBits) October 14, 2020

17.

Husband and I were talking about how there really isn’t a feminine version of the name “John,” so we decided on “Johnnifer.”

I will not be taking questions at this time.

— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) October 17, 2020

18.

My husband always wants me to do things his way.

Fold the towels in thirds

Wash whites separately

Don’t hit the mailbox when backing out of the driveway

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 18, 2020

19.

I know bedtime routine is important because I can’t fall asleep without asking my husband if he locked the door

— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) October 15, 2020

20.

You ever just spend 2 years talking about air fryers with your spouse and still not be sure if it’s worth the counter space sacrifice?

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) October 15, 2020

21.

Therapist: What are some steps you can take the next time your husband annoys you?

Me: fill his truck with throw pillows

Therapist: no

— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) October 25, 2020

22.

3s made birthday cards for a family friend.

Me to the wife: OMG hon! Sis actually wrote letters all on her own! There’s a P, N, I, and S! I’m so proud of her!

Wife: If she puts an E, I quit. pic.twitter.com/9yOHwOOp2e

— Lezz Mom🌈 (@lezzimomof2) October 23, 2020

23.

My husband makes “vrrom vroom” noises as he watches the map of the @UberEats driver approaching our house.

— Black Lives Matter Betty (@EzMacArt) October 18, 2020

24.

My wife said we have too much stuff. So right now, we’re in the basement getting rid of a bunch of my stuff.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) October 24, 2020

25.

Also on HuffPost

Bullying Victim Quaden Bayles’ Surprising Move After Viral Video

Quaden and his mum Yarraka sat down with the ABC's 'Australian Story' to reveal what really happened in the aftermath of the viral bullying video.

Quaden Bayles and his mum Yarraka have revealed what happened behind the scenes after she posted a heartbreaking video of her distraught son expressing the urge to take his life because of relentless schoolyard bullying over his short stature. 

The Facebook video, uploaded in February, was viewed 25 million times in less than two days and sparked a global conversation amongst football players and A-list celebrities like Hugh Jackman and Cardi B

A crowdfunding campaign was created by comedian Brad Williams ― who was also born with achondroplasia, a form of dwarfism ― to fly Quaden to Disneyland. It quickly raised $700,000. 

The following weeks and months were overwhelming for the family, who faced criticism for livestreaming Quaden’s anguish, followed by bizarre and cruel internet rumours that the boy was actually a 19-year-old actor and the family was rich and scamming the public for financial gain. Another rumour was that Quaden was dead ― perhaps the worst of all the lies that Yarraka could not begin to grasp. 

Now, 10-year-old Quaden and his mum have sat down with the ABC’s ‘Australian Story’ to update the public on how they have coped in the aftermath of their rollercoaster ordeal.

“I could never have predicted what was going to happen after posting one video,” Yarraka said of her Facebook Live message. 

“Apparently, Quaden is an 18-year-old man. He’s already rich and famous. He’s an actor. I coached him to do and say everything in that video. And it was all fake.” 

Yarraka said that was when she knew she needed professional help. She got lawyers onboard to counteract the lies and launched defamation proceedings against Daily Telegraph columnist Miranda Devine for retweeting false information.

“I think it’s really concerning that you have high-profile people that don’t do their due diligence. A lot of people obviously believed her,” Yarraka said. 

“We ended up getting our apology and the matter’s been settled.” 

In February this year I posted some comments on my personal Twitter account about Quaden Bayles and his mother Yarraka. I now know those comments were hurtful and untrue. I sincerely apologise to the Bayles for those comments.

— Miranda Devine (@mirandadevine) September 19, 2020

Even though Quaden has “always wanted to go to America,” Yarraka decided taking a GoFundMe holiday “did not sit right” and they have donated the majority of the money to charity. A very small amount has been put aside for Quaden’s medical fees. 

As Quaden has battled ongoing health issues and adjusted to the glare of media attention, his mum received some surprising help from an unlikely hero. American school psychologist Brooks Gibbs, who had critiqued and analysed the original video, offered counselling sessions with Quaden and his mum in which they workshopped approaches to build up emotional resilience and deal with bullies from a new perspective. 

“There’s been so many positive aspects over the negatives,” Yarraka said of the sessions with Brooks, with whom she initially felt defensive.

“At first I felt like my parenting was under attack. I felt my defensive mechanisms were kicking in.

“I sat back and I processed that, and I was like, ‘He’s right.’” 

Quaden has also reacted well to the “really helpful” and “really good” strategy sessions with Brooks. 

“Don’t be upset, treat them like a friend. That’s what I say to people now and now they understand,” Quaden explained.

“People think I’m 18, but I’m really not, trust me. I’m turning 10.” Quaden Bayles has set the record straight and is working hard to ignore his bullies and get back to school #AustralianStorypic.twitter.com/Zqd447MuJz

— AustralianStory (@AustralianStory) October 26, 2020

Although Quaden’s return to school this year has caused him anxiety, Yarraka said she is “so proud” that her son can tell people how he feels now because that’s something he hadn’t been able to do in the past. 

So, what’s next for Quaden? 

“Buy a house and a car for my mum and help the homeless,” he said. 

“And be a good man.” 

You can watch the full episode of ‘Australian Story: About a Boy’ on ABC iView.

If you or someone you know needs help:

Lifeline on 13 11 14

Kids Helpline on 1800 551 800

Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36

Headspace on 1800 650 890

Outside of Australia, please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of resources.

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